As the curtain rises, several people are sitting at a large table in an official conference room.
Ms. Crump, the local librarian, a staid member of the local Baptist Church, single, 43 years old, and very conservative.
Jessie Purdal, the local priest, very Catholic, and conservative with a forgiving nature.
Teddie Burnside, the town Mayor, a little flaky, claims to be a Democrat, sometimes.
Hank Snow, town clerk, waiting to see if he can actually give a business permit to a P.O.R.N. store.
Benjamin Likely, the hopeful owner of the store in question, single, and from out of town.
Gilda Roseannadanna, the head of the local Jewish Mothers For Decency, and, well, a Jewish mother.

As the meeting begins:

Burnside: You say we need a store like this in our town? Are you crazy, or just ignorant of how people feel about these kind of places?

Likely: Mr. Mayor, these stores are helpful in every day life. The objects we sell are used to---

Gilda: I really don't want to know HOW thesethinnngs are used, but I can say I would NEVER use one.

Likely: Why not, we have testimony about how glad some of our customers are to have found a place that sells
po--

Ms. Crump: heavens no, don't describe these things in front of a man of the cloth or us ladies.

Purdal: I actually have no problem with his products. I sincerely hope that when he opens i can get some to put in the childrens classes.

Note: At this point Gilda Roseannadanna and Ms. Crump rise from their chairs exclaiming:

So it's true about you priests and what you do to little boys. You should be ashamed of yourself and leave town on a rail.

(If you haven't figured this out yet, this is a southern town that is very conservative.)

Purdal: No it is not true, and--

Burnside: Oh hush up, we'll get into that later at a town meeting where we can decide what to do with Father Purdal.

Likely: I think there is a misconception about what the store will be about.

Crump: I don't think so. All those books and magazine, movies about boys on boys, girls on girls, couples (at this point Ms. Crump starts rubbing her hands around her waist and chest, and her face gets a little flushed.)
writhing on the bed, couch, -----Why is everybody staring at me!!!

Purdal: OOOOhhKaay. Getting back on the subject.

Burnside: Ms. Crump you sure do know a lot about what they sell in those place.

Crump: Well, I am a librarian and have to know a little bit about these things.

Gilda: Seems like you know a little more that just a bit if you ask me. We might need to see about a new librarian, and find out if you kept all those banned books.

Likely: Can I describe what it is my business is to be like?

Gilda: I think Ms. Crump gave us a good idea what your business will be like, and I don't think it should be allowed in our town.

Purdal: I think we need this business. Did you look at his catalog? The 8 and 10 inch-----Oh my Lord, ms. Crump just fainted.

Burnside: See! This is what I don't want displayed in front of the fine ladies of our town.

Likely: Mr. Snow, could you read what my application of a business permit describes my inventory.

Snow: Well, the porn shop

Likely: No, No. read it correctly. It's PdotOdotRdotNdot

Snow: Alrighty then. The application for the PdotOdotRdotNdot store describes it as selling various porcelain
items, mostly 8 to 10 inches high, with some at 12 inche-----I think Ms. Crump just fainted again!

Burnside: Throw some ice water on her, and keep some on hand. we gotta get through with this meeting.
hand the application to me and I'll read it.

Likely: Sir, I'm just trying to get you folks to understand that there is nothing wrong with what I would sell.

Purdal: Mr. Mayor there is absolutely nothing he will sell that a child couldn't handle.

Burnside: I'm starting to tink that we just might need a new priest. What in Holy Hell are you talking about.

Likely: Sir, the letters don't form a word, but are the initials of the store name!

Burnside: Well just what in blue blazes is the real name of the store!!

Likely and Purdal at the same time: Porcelain Objects Of a Religious Nature !!

Purdal: The 10 inch statues of the Virgin Mother are gorgeous. A loud whump is heard in the background.

Burnside: I guess Ms. Crump fainted again.

You just read an original I hope that John Boy and Billy will use in their John Boy and Billy Playhouse.

Anybody got some stories to tell?