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Max - If you can't honestly discuss your demon's here there is truly no place that you can go. Just remember that a lot, if not most, the people here have battled addiction in one way or another. My personal experience includes heroin, coke, booze and downers. Three trips to the crowbar hotel, hepatitis C, and two serious car wrecks. You know what, I'm still standing thanks to a loving family (my wife is totaly straight, the best decision of my life) and support from freinds and people like the ones here. One of the great things I have learned is, amazingly enough, one can have a good time without being massively altered. It took me 32 years to figure that out. I started getting high @ 13 and stopped @ 45. I'm 52, still going and having a damned good time doing it. Hang in there, it will only get better, but you have to leave that life behind. Sometimes that means leaving friends behind that can't tolerate the changes you have had to make.