Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Sean O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Sean, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Sean walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Sean ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
Irishman walks into a pub and says, "Barkeep, tree Guiness's, please". The bartender pulls them up and walks them over and sits them at the man's table. He watches while the man drinks all three. He finally walks over to the man and says,
"It's really none of my business, but I can pour them as fast as you can drink them..."
The man responds,
"Oh, no, you don't understand. I live here in the motherland, but my two brudders moved to England and the US. We always do this so that way it's like we're all drinking together." The barkeep agrees that this is a nice sentiment and it goes on for about a year or two.
One day the man walks in and says, "Barkeep, two Guiness's" and the whole bar gets silent. The bartender pulls them up and walks slowly to the man's table, while the bar watches.
"Me condolences on your loss..." says the bartender. The man looks at him, not quite comprehending and the barkeep motions to the 2 beers.
"Oh, no, it's not that," the man replies, "I quit drinking!"
What's the difference between God and Bono? God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.
Q.) How do you know the Irish are gay?
A.) Because Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
Q.) What is green, is 3 miles long, & has 1,000 assh*les?
A.) The St. Paddy's Day Parade
Q: Who's the first Irishman to come out in the spring?
A: Paddy O'Furniture
Billastro
It was a slow, dreary Monday at Fitzgeralds Pub in the heart of Clonakilty when a fellow walks in and sits down at the bar. Looking a bit forlorn he proceeds to strike up a conversation with the only other patron in the place. Well I wonder if its raining back where I am from in Dublin? The second fellow slowly leans back, looks over at him and pipes up Your from Dublin, well would you fancy that, so am I. Here let me buy you a pint. So quietly the two sit and slowly drain their drinks, when one turns to the other and says, Now even though its raining, I bet Father Flahrety is still watering the roses at St. Marys regardless of the weather. The other chap is just beside himself with glee, You know Father Flahrety? For the sake of Mary, he baptized me and gave me my first communion. Oh lord, tiz that a fact? This is a fine day in a small world, Father Flahrety baptized me and gave me my first communion as well says the other, Sweet heaven above, I will just have to buy you another pint to that. They order up and again sitting reflecting on it all. As they near the end of their drinks the first fellow says Well tomorrow is me mother Marys birthday and I have not thought of a thing to get her. The second fellow recoils in disbelief and says, Oh for the love of the baby Jesus, my mothers name is Mary and tomorrow is her birthday, as well. Bartender are you listening to all of this, this is just amazing, and we surely need another round here to celebrate.
About this time another customer walks in, sits down at the bar and says to the bartender Good Morning Patrick and whats new with you? Without looking up he says, Oh, Jesus Shamus, the same ole thing, as he points to the end of the bar, the Murphy twins are drunk again.
Sorry to stray, but here's a Polish one.
A guy walks in a bar and says to the bartender let me get a mug of a beer and I've got a Polish joke for you. The bartender gets a little perturbed and retorts.. He,y buddy I'm Polish! You see that big guy down at the end of the bar, He's Polish! Do you see the my bouncer by the door, He's Polish! Now tell me, Do you still want to tell that Polish joke? He shrugs and says nah, I don't feel like explaining it 3 times.
"When did the Irish first learn to walk on two legs?
When the English invented the wheelbarrow.....
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
